sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
