The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
