So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
