You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Randomize
