So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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