I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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