I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Randomize
