we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
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I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
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Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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