Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
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