He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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