Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
