Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
