He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
