Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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