Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
