Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize