I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
