Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
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