Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
