I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
