He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
