Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
