I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
