Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
