Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
