I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
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