I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
