You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
