Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
