Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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