I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
