My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
