took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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