You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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