So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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