hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
How naked do you want me to be?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
