you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
