Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
