Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
