I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
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Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
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He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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