Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
