i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
