We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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