If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
