I can tuck mytits in my pants
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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