If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
