Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
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