There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
