I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
