So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
