but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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