They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Randomize
