Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
